Writing Strength: Your conclusion provides a proposal that supports your argument on technology promoting loneliness. Currently, you only write the following in your conclusion: In conclusion, we proposed that advanced technology especially Facebook includes various advantages and that will help people to increase their knowledge in various sectors of their life and make them connected anytime to the whole world from anywhere. That will reduce people’s loneliness and help them to reduce their depression. As we know that excessive use of anything is not good but limited and professional use of today’s advanced technology does not cause loneliness whereas it intended to reduce it. By restating your position that today’s technology does not cause loneliness as well as your solution that Facebook include various features, you properly conclude your argumentative essay and leave your readers with a lasting impression. Good job, * you requested help with Main Idea/Thesis: Your thesis statement does not include some of the main points of your argument about technology promoting loneliness. Let’s take a look: Social media especially Facebook, does not promotes loneliness because it allows people to in every sector their life, provides benefits for business as well as group interaction and critical thinking, provides facilities to interact people with their relatives from anywhere and also provides a big marketing platforms & helps user to be attached with a lot of business pages or study & research related work for their benefits. In this sentence, you list four supporting points to your argument, which are that social media allows people to connect in every sector of their life, provides benefits for business, provides facilities to interact with people, and provides marketing platforms. These points are too general and overlap each other. For example, your first and third points go hand in hand, and your second and fourth points are related. Since your assignment description asks you to develop only three strong arguments along with a counterargument, revise your thesis statement to include a counterargument as well as three distinct supporting points. This way, you prepare your readers for your argumentative essay about technology promoting loneliness. Here is an example: · Although supported by the majority of the population, criminalizing drug addiction does not help in alleviating the country’s drug problem because it encourages experimentation, increases demand for drugs, and strengthens the stigma against drug addicts. Content Development: Your main points are not developed in the body of your argumentative essay about technology promoting loneliness. After revising your thesis statement, you can now develop these points in the body of your essay. Since you are writing an argumentative essay, consider structuring your essay following the topical order, focusing one paragraph on one supporting point or reason why social media does not promote loneliness. You can then discuss your counterargument after presenting all your supporting points. This way, readers can better understand the chain of thought of your discussion about technology promoting loneliness. Here is an example of an outline based on the sample thesis statement above: I. Introduction II. First supporting point: It encourages experimentation III. Second supporting point: It increases demand for drugs IV. Third supporting point: Strengthens the stigma against drug addicts V. Counterargument: It is supported by the majority of the population VI. Conclusion , you requested help with Sentence Structure: Some of the sources in your Works Cited list are not cited properly. Here is an example from your paper: Błachnio, Agata, and Aneta Przepiorka. “Be aware! If you start using Facebook problematically you will feel lonely: Phubbing, loneliness, self-esteem, and Facebook intrusion. A cross-sectional study.” Social Science Computer Review 37.2 (2019): 270-278. In this citation, you mention the authors’ names, title of the article, title of the journal, number, year of publication, and the page numbers. Since you write a Works Cited list, I assume that you are using the MLA style. To cite a journal article in MLA style, mention the authors, title of the source, title of container, number, publication date, location, title of container, and location. Here is an example: Gajanan, Marie, and Tim Roberts. “From ‘Hanoi Jane’ to the workout: A brief history of Jane Fonda’s activism.” Time, vol. 13, no. 2, 2018, pp. 34-56. Oxford Journals, doi: 10.1093/16.3.2 For more information on MLA style, you can visit this link. Summary of Next Steps: Revise your thesis statement. Develop your main points in the body of your essay. Cite your sources properly. _________________________________________________________________________________ Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Does Technology Promote Loneliness? Nowadays researchers are continuously researching to improving the technological networks. So, the use of technology has been increased over the years. Hence in the world of continuously increasing technology, a common question arises i.e. does technology promote loneliness? Technology allows people to be connected with the outer world for 24 hours. It helps them to be updated and be in touch via social media. Now there are so many platforms where students can take online education to improve their knowledge and to clear their doubts regarding their subject topics. So, they told that technology cannot be the cause of the people’s loneliness. In the present situation, people spend much time with their mobile phone laptop or any other gadget for their work, study or research purpose. Based on that it has been said that approx. 42 percent of the Australian citizen using average multiple ways of an online internet platform. They also feel connected with their friends, family and their colleagues, which is reducing their loneliness. So, it can be said that technology is now facing great progress and globalization, but still, now the debate on this topic is going on. Mainly the improved technology increases the advantage for all sectors, and it connects the whole world and peoples. [Your introduction contains too many ideas that are irrelevant to your discussion. Since you are writing an argumentative essay, your introduction should only establish the problem on technology and social media. What are some recent events that show that people associate loneliness to social media? Why is it a debatable issue?] Social media especially Facebook, does not promotes loneliness because it allows people to in every sector their life, provides benefits for business as well as group interaction and critical thinking, provides facilities to interact people with their relatives from anywhere and also provides a big marketing platforms & helps user to be attached with a lot of business pages or study & research related work for their benefits. Social media & advanced technology allows people to connect with the people of anywhere in the world. If we consider today’s college students, then social media is the most suitable platform for them to communicate with the people and also this is the platform for their entertainment. Social media is now integrated into the higher education system (Goyal 225). There are so many social media and advanced technology tools like Facebook, Tweeter, and, etc. Here we particularly focus on Facebook. Hence, we can say that Facebook is also a platform for social media and is proven for is important in student life. It has been recognized by the researchers that Facebook has multiple numbers of uses which in fact permit students to study in a group. They can do group discussions, critical thinking and also build mutual understanding through multimedia content. It is also found beneficial for business purpose and business computing. Everyone can connect people through Facebook and can learn from them (Uppal 255). Facebook does not present loneliness as Facebook is one of the famous social networking sites that gives a platform where anybody can interact with relatives, friends and also share their ideas, views, photos as well as many other things (Błachnio et al. 28). It gives people the ability to construct community as well as carry the world nearer together. That reproduces that people cannot do this themselves, but simply by empowering people to construct communities as well as bring people together. They intended to connect all lives. This makes people connected and reduces their loneliness. One of the most important benefits Facebook has to contribute as a marketing platform is the aforementioned Facebook Business Page. This opens the market to the business of Facebook. Facebook users can like, comment & share the content on Business posts. Facebook enables users to build including nurture those connections. Customers can yield their conclusions, leave reports including ask inquiries on the Facebook Business Page. Facebook allows users to optimize the ad spend including reaching their ideal client (Błachnio and Aneta 275). As far as an advancing advantage is concerned, social media give valuable knowledge for any business seeing to build a smart approach. By learning about competitor’s activities one can give insight into what works as well as what doesn’t. [The introductory phrase “By learning about competitor’s activities” is not separated from the main sentence with a comma. Insert a comma after “activities” to emphasize the main clause, which is what the sentence is actually about.] Facebook is one of the social networks for business including another where one can get out a lot of knowledge about the competitor’s strategy including interaction and build the strategy to gain competitive compensation. In conclusion, we proposed that advanced technology especially Facebook includes various advantages, and that will help people to increase their knowledge in various sectors of their life and make them connected anytime to the whole world from anywhere. [The independent clauses (1) In conclusion, we proposed that advanced technology especially Facebook includes various advantages, and 2) That will help people to increase their knowledge in various sectors of their life and make them connected anytime to the whole world from anywhere) in this compound sentence are joined together by only the coordinating conjunction “and,” which is not enough. Insert a comma after “advantages,” before “and” to help readers distinguish your complete thoughts.] That will reduce people’s loneliness and help them to reduce their depression. As we know that excessive use of anything is not good but limited and professional use of today’s advanced technology does not cause loneliness whereas it intended to reduce it. Work Cited Błachnio, Agata, and Aneta Przepiorka. “Be aware! If you start using Facebook problematically you will feel lonely: Phubbing, loneliness, self-esteem, and Facebook intrusion. A cross-sectional study.” Social Science Computer Review 37.2 (2019): 270-278. Błachnio, Agata, et al. “Self-presentation styles, privacy, and loneliness as predictors of Facebook use in young people.” Personality and Individual Differences 94 (2016): 26-31. Goyal, Silky. “Competitive advantages through Facebook.” ACADEMICIA: An International Multidisciplinary Research Journal 6.4 (2016): 222-227. Uppal, Savita. “Competitive advantages through Facebook.” ACADEMICIA: An International Multidisciplinary Research Journal 6.4 (2016): 253-258 Need help to correct this essay
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